Nobody Told Me…
“In sickness and in health”… I do.
Nobody really thinks in depth about that phrase during the wedding vows. I mean, I know some do, but I think it’s a statement that isn’t really thought deeply about when there are two healthy people standing at the altar, committing their “forever” to one another. Why would there be reason to think about sickness, or to imagine your spouse facing cancer, or a terrible car accident? Your wedding day is consumed with joy and excitement - as it should be. I know that I didn’t stand in front of Matt, saying my vows while also wondering if one of us would face a life-altering “sickness”.
Fast forward 14 years into our marriage and BAM, life changed quickly. I guess, when I’m thinking about it, it kind of started out slowly. Matt began sleeping more. He began to mention weird pains that he felt, but we kept on with our lives because we aren’t people to let things just stop us or worry us. But those extra naps and those extra complaints of pain quickly became far worse. Doctor’s appointments became normal routine and before I could grasp what was happening, Matt was lying on our living room floor, barely surviving. The pain was unbearable at times. For him, sleeping became a more frequent thing than being awake. We went from talking to the doctors about all body pain to a sudden missing disc in Matt, and then on to back-to-back surgery. Nothing made sense then and nothing makes sense now. Oh, and let’s throw in that t-bone car accident that has not only worsened Matt’s pain, but has caused the twins to still experience pain that brings them to tears.
Nobody warned me that I would be, in one moment, living out my dream job, experiencing a great marriage with three beautiful kids and then suddenly in a place where I am trying to keep living my dream but everything else has changed. My role flipped. Matt’s roles flipped. I am not really even sure what our roles are anymore, if I’m being vulnerable with you. We are both just trying our best to make life what we want for our family, but we feel every single day that it’s just not the same.
Nobody told me that I would have to hear my husband’s voice say to me that he would rather die than to live in the body that he does. Nobody told me that I would watch my husband drink his pain away just to cope. Nobody told me that I would sleep alone for months because the floor was the only spot that was comfortable for him. Nobody told me that I would feel lonely some days. Nobody told me the amount of sacrifice I would have to give. Nobody told me that my every conversation would revert back to the topic of pain. Nobody told me that “in sickness and in health” are in the vows for a very important reason.
Chronic pain changes a person - which in turn, tests a marriage. Nobody told me that the kid who ran the stop sign would run right into my family which has now caused three of the most important people to live in pain.
16 years into marriage and I am learning that every vow is in the marriage vows for a reason, and as much as I love non-traditional weddings, those vows should always remain.
No one told me that my marriage would be what it is today, but I do know that I truly am stronger for it all. I have learned that I am capable of more than I ever thought I could be. I have learned how to love deeper. I have learned to endure longer. I have learned to find joy in the middle of it all. I have learned that God is near. And I am also truly honored to be Matt’s wife. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.